Bleed In, Bleed Out, Find A Feeling
by Somebody Once
Summary: *SPOILERS FOR 420* My take on what happens after the end of 420. Sam faces demons inside and out.


**Notes:** Oh MAN am I terrified for tonight, I'm a Samgirl to the death so I'm sure it's going to be a mixture of awesome and horrifying to watch him in that panic room, anyway here's a little scene for what I think may happen. I'm not judging Sam or Dean, I think Sam's consumed like an addict and I think this is how he'll be feeling. I hope to god at some point Dean can get through to him but I don't know if the panic room is the right idea, I just see it making him feel more alienated than ever, more betrayed and more volatile so we'll see. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy the drama tonight and this little piece. *HOLDS EVERYBODY CLOSE IN ANTICIPATION*

* * *

It takes a moment to process. A really long moment. Utter disbelief wars with growing dread in your gut. They did not just do this, they did _NOT_ just do this to you.

'This is for your own good'.

Oh god but they did, and you just walked right on in to it. Stupid, you're so stupid to think they'd ever understand, ever let you explain. But you trusted them, you trusted him, your brother, the brother you've looked up to, you've wanted to _be_ since you learned how to behave. You trusted him. You shouldn't have.

He's clearly no longer with you. He's so against you right now it's never been more clear.

You stand frozen, staring at the hole in the door the letterbox size hole that allows you the smallest flash of your brother's stone cold expression of the absolute hardness there as he shuts you away, imprisons you, cages you in like an animal.

You can't believe he's done this, part of you thinks this is a joke, the worst joke ever but a joke none the less. But they shut the slat, lock the door and you can do nothing but stand.

'Guys?' you finally manage when you finally find your feet. 'Hey guys, open the door! '

There's a horrible echo in this room and your voice bounces of the walls tinged with panic as realisation begins to set in. There's nothing from outside the door but silence, horrible neverending silence and you feel alone. More alone than you have ever felt in your entire life, stepping off the bus at Stanford you never felt as lonely as you do in this moment.

You start beating on the door, beating on iron you know you're not getting out of until your palms are raw. 'Dean! Ok Man, this is ridiculous, let me out!'

Silence.

'LET ME OUT!'

_Out, Out, Out, Out_ your voice echoes back and you feel sick and your palms are starting to sweat now and you run them through your hair and turn and survey your surroundings. Shit. _Shit_. They've planned this well, your eyes take in the bucket by the bed, the cot more fitting for a prison than any kind of room. You take in every inch of the wall, every stone of the floor but there's no way out this is a panic room of course there's not.

You eventually give up circling the room and slowly slump down the the cot. What are you going to do? You're trapped, abandoned and your starting to taste the sickly coating of betrayal on your tongue. He didn't let you explain, why won't they let you explain. You're not an addict, you're not. Oh you're sure you know what they're thinking stupid Sam, weak, foolish Sam, drinking blood for kicks, needing to be saved again. Well they're wrong. They couldn't be more wrong. You don't need saving and you sure as hell don't want it.

Don't they get it? The only way to defeat Lillith is you, the only way to stop her, the only possible way to stop the greatest threat to this world is to destroy her and nobody's come close to her before but you. You can be strong enough now, you can destroy her.

This isn't for the kicks or the highs or even the power, it's for the end game. They don't understand you anymore. That's what it comes down to. Dean...Bobby... they're too short sighted to look at the bigger picture here. This isn't you turning evil, this isn't you becoming a demon, its you taking control of your abilities, abilities that have been inside you forever. Since you were six months old. Do they think you'd be drinking demon blood if it wasn't the only way to survive all this.

For too long you stayed in the shadows, struggled with the big decisions, watched others take those decisions from you. Well it's time to step up now. You are taking control of your own destiny. You have heard demons and angels, and Dean and heaven and hell for christs sake warring over your destiny since all this started an your sick of it now. If anyone's in charge of your destiny then it has to be you. It needs to be you now.

Keeping this from Dean has made you feel physically sick for the past six months, the lying, the sneaking around, the denial, the desperation all of it isn't something you've wanted to hide from your brother but better he's ignorant than in the firing line. Better ignorance than death.

You've already lost him once before, it was your fault all of it, you never asked to be stabbed to death and bleed out at 24, you never asked him to bring you back but it's still all down to you like your mother was down to you like this whole entire fucked up past is your fault. Hell you've been given away before you were even born your soul traded by the woman who died trying to protect you. And you're sick of it.

You're so sick of it all.

Of your father's instructions to destroy you, of your mother's decision to trade your soul away, of your brother's decision to bring you back. You're angry, and sick and you've had more than enough of people taking your free choice away from you.

And this is clearly what happens when you make choices for yourself, you're locked away like an animal, judged like a traitor, strung up like a hanged man. Betrayed.

You've been given no trial, you've been found guilty before you've given your case it's no coincidence you'd have made a great lawyer too bad nobody's given you the chance to make your defence.

She took your brother away from you. _She took him away_. And you want her dead, you want that feeling of utter helplessness, that feeling of sheer impotence gone, you will never, ever feel that again. _Never._

Why can't they understand that?

Do they think you're stupid? Do they think you're not scaring yourself slightly too, hell you admitted it. You're feeling who you used to be slip away day by day but its a price you're willing to pay, that you HAVE to pay. Your humanity to save the world. It's a cost that you feel indebted to pay.

People always underestimate you, your whole life there's been rumblings of you turning evil being some creature that you're not. You're disillusioned by it all, by the mundane predictability of it all. Does the whole world really think you're that stupid? That you're that naive? It's clear Dean does.

Well you're not stupid, and you are _never _naive. You needed Ruby for the blood, for what she could teach you but you're being underestimated yet again if anyone thinks you're truly taken in by her. She's a tool, a tool to get you to where you need to be, nothing more, you've been playing her since she first came to you after Dean's death. Playing her like you're all too aware she's playing you.

Nobody's standing in the way of you wiping Lilleth off the map.

You sit on the cot staring at your hands, at hour seventeen they begin to shake.

*

'Dean I swear to God you don't let me out of here I'm never going to forgive you you hear me? I am NEVER GOING TO FORGIVE YOU.'

It's been 24 hours and you are struggling to think, your body is thrumming with desperation, you can feel your blood singing and you want out. You want out right the _fuck_ now.

'Not letting you out Sammy.'

You're furious, you're so angry you can't see straight. 'You have no right to do this, you have NO RIGHT TO TREAT ME LIKE AN ANIMAL DEAN!'

You slam the door with your fist at each word body shaking, desperation as Dean refuses to concede. 'I'm not drinking the demon blood for kicks i'm doing it so i'm strong enough to kill Lilleth!'

Dean watches you through the slat infuriatingly calm and you want nothing more than to wipe that expression off his face before you catch yourself. 'Yeah keep telling yourself that Sammy if it makes you feel better but we both know this is way out of hand man you may not believe me now but this is for your own good.'

'How would you have a clue what my own good is?' you find yourself snarling, 'you have no idea what would be good for me Dean, you haven't asked. Think about it, you find out i've been practicing with my powers and you hit me in the face tell me you want to hunt me, you find out I drink a little demon blood and instead of talking to me you lock me in here...why should I believe a word you say anymore?'

There's a silence and you quit your pacing to turn back, see those eyes you thought you knew better than your own.

'Because I'm your big brother' Dean offers for once his voice conveying emotion instead of steadfast irritiating certainty. 'And I've got you this far haven't I?' He sounds shaky and exhausted and you almost back down for a nanosecond 'you quitting on me now Sammy?'

The wind goes out of your sails. He thinks he's doing the right thing, he's not but he thinks he's doing this for you.

'I want to get out Dean, can you just let me out please so we can talk about this. This is crazy man.'

'Damn straight' your brother replies quietly. 'But you need to get it out your system man, I can't let you out yet.'

You shake your head for a beat and then the slat is closed and your brother's footsteps walk further away from you and you slump down back against the door. 'Dean!'

*

Your demons inside and out are plaguing you by hour 42. You can't tell what's real anymore and it absolutely terrifies you. And they still don't let you out. At some point around hour 37 your brother and Bobby have to stop you from slamming your head against the stone wall and bashing your own brains in.

They wrestled you to the cot and knocked you out to subdue you and when you wake up you are all alone again. Your concept of time is lost until it feels like years and years of neverending solitary confinement. The ghosts of those you loved and lost haunt your waking moments and if there were a rope in this room right now you'd be pretty certain you'd have hanged yourself by now.

It hurts, you are consumed with need, feel like your skin is stretched too tightly like you're going to split open. You consider drinking your own blood but there's nothing to slash at your arms with and you have no way to get it out of you. You bite your tongue in desperation and throw yourself against the wall over and over and over again.

'Dean please.' You finally gasp out around hour 52 when your brother brings you water. 'Please you have to let me out now I'm losing my mind. I'm losing my mind Dean.'

He stills putting the water down. Bobby behind him covering the door, both of them looking at you with stricken expressions.

'Help me, _please_. I promise I'll stay here and talk, I don't have the energy to fight anymore Dean, I promise, just let me out, I'm dying in here.'

You can feel the pulsing of the blood through your veins, the claustrophobia that presses further and further upon you every time that door closes you in once more. You need Dean to believe you. He needs to buy this.

'Sam...'

'Please, please Dean don't leave me here like this, it's out of my system, I'm just tired, I swear to you, I _swear_ it Dean. You know me man. You KNOW me.'

He needs to believe you, you need him to believe you more than you ever have before.

'I need you Dean, I _need _you. Please don't leave me.' You use every trick you have, every nuance, every emotion, every single part of yourself that screams little brother, that can appeal to his nature, your big brother, your big brother ever the protecter, ever your saviour stares for a moment.

He's wavering.

'No' he growls finally 'no Sammy. We'll let you out soon but you're staying here.'

'No' you tell him 'I'm not'.

And fling him into the wall.

Bobby rushes to close the door but you send him flying backwards to the other corner of the panic room with the slightest wave of your fist.

You may be weakened but you're not weak enough you can't stop them.

Dean rushes towards you but desperation and betrayal certainly ramp up your aggression and you hold him back. Your body shudders with the effort and your heart breaks at the expression in Dean's eyes, but you're too far gone. They will _not_ leave you here.

They picked their side and it wasn't yours. They drove you to this. If they'd just let you explain.

'I can't have you destroy this for me Dean. I've worked too hard to do this to have you ruin it for me.'

'Sam...' Dean's tone is gutteral 'don't you do this, don't you do this.'

You pin the two closest people to you against the cement walls and you're shaking and dizzy and consumed and you can't stop now.

You walk across the room to the door holding them there with the shakiest of holds. Your powers are weak but your will is not. You reach the door, let them go and slam it behind you locking them in.

'Sammy!!!!!!' Dean screams, and you stare back at him.

'Sucks to be betrayed doesn't it Dean, trapped, abandoned, caged. It's all a little different when you're on that side of the door huh?'

'Sam if you do this, if you walk out that door...'

'Don't say it Dean. You don't need to say it.'

You close the slat and leave him screaming your name. You go up the stairs and step out of Bobby's into the daylight. Ruby is waiting for you.

You've got somewhere you need to be.


End file.
